My Child Forgets as Soon as I Ask Again
"Mom, can I invite a friend over today?"
I hesitate. I want my daughter to have friends over, merely today is simply jam packed.
"Nope. Not today."
5 minutes later. "Mom, can I accept a playdate?"
What the…? Didn't I just answer this same question five minutes earlier?
"No, we're mode likewise busy today."
one hour afterwards, nosotros're in the kitchen, putting away dishes. Both my kids turn to me and ask, "Mom, can we puh-leese have a friend over?"
Ok, plenty already.
If you're reading this, nodding your head in agreement, you lot know my pain.
Not only is information technology abrasive getting asked the same question over and over, only it besides triggers my people pleasing trend to not desire to disappoint.
A tendency that makes it VERY, VERY difficult to effectively parent.
Are you being too nice as a parent?
I remember the beginning fourth dimension a student chosen me out on my lack of discipline – harsh, simply true.
It was my very first semester teaching and I was that teacher who wanted to be adored past all her students.
Looking back, my fifth graders knew this and twisted information technology to their reward.
1 day, my students lined up within the classroom door for lunch recess and Luis would just not stop talking.
I asked for quiet, he turned around and whispered to the boy behind him.
I waited and stared. He appeared oblivious.
Here I was, a brand new teacher, thinking that I was existence patient and setting firm limits.
So i of the girls turned to me and said, "Mrs. Crohn, you're too squeamish."
Ouch.
But, she was right. I was being mode too prissy.
When our kids appoint in a behavior that drives united states crazy – such as asking the same question over and over – nosotros can still be nice, but we also need to.
Read:six Positive Subject area Steps That Will Alter Your Child'southward Behavior
Set a house limit
In that location's a huge reason that my kids inquire me questions over and over.
I'grand a waffler.
I will constantly 2nd approximate my own decisions as a parent. Maybe I think I'thousand being also strict, or too inflexible.
Shouldn't kids be able to have fun? Isn't that what childhood is for?
(The internal monologue that leads me to destruction every single time)
Instead, what works all-time isn't some trick or parenting advice that'southward incommunicable to remember.
Information technology's simply:
What you say the showtime fourth dimension goes.
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Now, I say this with a bit of a disclaimer. I am all for negotiating and this is non a be-all-cease-all for totally stonewalling our kids.
In fact, Po Bronson, author of the volume Nurtureshock, quotes Penn State researcher Dr. Nancy Darling:
"The type of parents who are actually most consequent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are nearly warm and have the most conversations with their kids. They've set a few rules over sure fundamental spheres of influence, and they've explained why those rules are at that place."
You're building a relationship with your kids when yous fix firm limits. They're allowed not to be happy with your decision.
In fact, I would be suspicious if my kids didn't quite to negotiate my limits. I would think, what alien beings have infiltrated my kids?
In the case of having friends over, I knew that I didn't desire people over that twenty-four hours. That was my limit and I explained it.
Read: 3 Means to Finish Whining for Expert
Enforce the limit
Ok, hither's the hard office.
I come across many parents – myself included – fall into the besides overnice trap here.
When kids inquire the question again, many parents respond in a very even tone of voice, "What answer did I just requite y'all?"
We wait our kids to repeat it back to united states. Only they don't….
Instead we hear: "I forgot."
WHAT?! What do yous mean you forgot? No, that's not how this is supposed to become….
Where do you go from there?
Here's the thing: You exercise not need to hide and cover your irritation. That doesn't exercise an ounce of good. Considering your kid,
- doesn't sympathize the social consequences of asking repetitive questions, and
- Has no inkling that you're getting upset
Instead, information technology's OK to say (in a much firmer voice)
"I answered that question for you already. My answer is NO. If you enquire that question again, it will make me mad."
Information technology's OK to be angry
So much parenting advice we read stresses forming deep relationships with children where the presence of conflict is almost frowned upon.
When in actuality, conflict brings people closer together when the conflict is dealt with in a respectful manner.
Maxim you are mad is preferable to losing your atmosphere on the fifth fourth dimension your child asks the same question considering you tin can't hold it in whatever longer.
According to Dr. Judith Smetana from the University of Rochester, "moderate disharmonize with parents is associated with better adjustment than either no-conflict or frequent conflict."
Once you tell your child how you feel, the next time she asks the aforementioned question, its reasonable to say, "Not answering that again." and walk away.
When asked about a playdate the third time, I said, "NOPE" and so turned and walked away.
Read: 5 Parenting Lies Nosotros Must Stop Believing to Raise Well-Adjusted kids
You don't have to be calm
I thought I did.
Merely past setting a firm boundary and so enforcing information technology, I found that the repeated question asking has noticeably decreased.
It's OK to exist frustrated after explaining yourself repeatedly and so walk away.
Source: https://www.noguiltmom.com/ask-the-same-question/
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